[The film takes place in modern-day USA]
[Opening Scene: The House of Dr. Bill Harford (Tom Cruise) and
Alice Harford (Nicole Kidman)]
ALICE: Well...Might as well get this over with in the first scene...
[ALICE takes clothes off]
BILL: I love you! Let us show how happy our marriage is!
[BILL and ALICE do naughty stuff]
[Next Scene: Some party]
ALICE: Man i'm drunk...and there's my man, talking with some other
women! Grrr...I'm so possessive. Oh wll...I'll just get back
at him...
SOME OLD GUY: Wanna dance?
ALICE: ooh...yes...
[Meanwhile...]
BILL: So anyway..did I mention i'm a rich doctor?
TWO GIRLS: Tee hee! Wanna go uh...look at some artwork?
BILL: Well, I...
HEAD OF THE PARTY: Tom! You're a doctor! Quick, come
with me!
BILL: doh...I'll talk to you two later!
[BILL and HOP go upstairs]
BILL: What seems to be the problem?
HEAD OF THE PARTY: Oh, it's this prostitute, she's sick.
Can you help her?
BILL: Yep.
[BILL heals prostitute]
BILL: What's your name?
PROSTITUTE: Uhh..I forget...let's call me Mary
BILL: Okay. Not like it matters, you're just a prostitute!
You won't come into account any more in this film.
MARY: Nope.
[Nervous laughter]
[BILL goes back downstairs]
NICK: Hey, Tom!!
BILL: wattup Nick! You used to go to med school with me!
NICK: Yep...now i play piano for certain gigs. You should
come catch me at the bar i play at in a few days.
BILL: Okay!
NICK: See ya around!
BILL: Wow, that was unecessary. Why did we introduce him?
I suppose we'll see.
[Days later, at BILL and ALICE's house]
[ALICE puts on see-through shirt with no bra, so all guys watching
movie will be focused on her breasts through this entire scene]
[OH YEAH, they're smoking marijuana too]
ALICE: ughh...so...high...I might as well speak my mind, since
i am of sound mind. Who were those girls you were talking to?
BILL: Uhh..i don't remember. Friends of someone or other.
Why are we talking about this now?
ALICE: do you love me?!!?
BILL: Yes. With all my heart.
ALICE: You've been cheating on me?!?!
BILL: what?! Where did you pick that up?
ALICE: Oh come on..you're a doctor, you touch other women's breasts.
You're obviously cheating on me with them.
BILL: Uhh..I think you've had too much of this. [puts away
marijuana]
ALICE: And why don't you care about me? What if i'm cheating
on you?
BILL: Uhh..we're married, aren't we? Isn't that the trust
that we won't cheat on each other?
ALICE: Yeah..well...here's something you should know...
[BILL, looks at ALICE, open-mouthed and frozen]
ALICE: Once we were in some hotel, and I saw some really hot guy,
and I think if he woulda said hi to me I would have done stuff with him!
[cut to stock footage of BILL, open-mouthed and frozen]
ALICE: ...but he didn't. But if I had the chance, I'd do
stuff with him!!
[more stock footage of BILL]
[The next day, BILL calls in sick to work, and visits a prostitute..not
MARY]
[The next day, BILL visits NICK at his gig]
BILL: Hey nick!
NICK: Hey! Well i gotta get goin pretty quick. I have an
ultra secret gig that i'm not allowed to tell anyone about!!
BILL: oh..
NICK: yep. Top secret. Can't tell anyone.
BILL: Okay..
NICK: Alright, i'll tell you. The password is "vivaldi" and
here's directions. You can't go, though.
BILL: Uhh...well, I'm pretty frustrated, so i guess i'll go.
NICK: You need a costume.
BILL: done and done.
[BILL goes to a costume shop]
BILL: I need a costume, but it's 2am
SHOP OWNER: go avay!
BILL: I'll pay extra! I'm a doctor!
SHOP OWNER: come in!
[BILL goes to the party]
GUYS AT THE GATE: hi.
BILL: Uhh..hey.
GUYS AT THE GATE: password?
BILL: Vivaldi.
GUYS AT THE GATE: come in.
[BILL enters the "party" and finds out it's a huge orgy basically.]
RINGLEADER: Every girl pick a guy! There's an odd number,
so hurry up!
[MYSTERIOUS GIRL picks BILL]
MYSTERIOUS GIRL: you need to get out of here! Things will
be bad if you don't.
BILL: uhh..sure...i'm "leaving" now! Bye!
[BILL enters the next room]
BUTLER: Sir, is that your taxi out there?
BILL: Yep.
BUTLER: Well, it's wondering where you are.
BILL: Oh, okay..thanks!
BUTLER: Oh yeah, and we know you aren't supposed to be here, you
idiot!
BILL: D'oh!
[BILL is taken to the middle of the mob]
RINGLEADER: Well..time to kill you...
MYSTERIOUS GIRL: Wait..i'll take the punishment for him.
RINGLEADER: really?
MYSTERIOUS GIRL: Yep. I'm not sure why, it's not like i know
him or something.
BILL: Who are you?
RINGLEADER: Get out of here, bitch.
MYSTERIOUS GIRL: me?
RINGLEADER: No, the guy!!
BILL: Oh..okay..
RINGLEADER: oh yeah, don't say anything about us
BILL: sure
[the next day...]
ALICE: Do I get to say much more in this film?
BILL: Not really. Bye honey!
[BILL goes to NICK's hotel]
BILL: Hey, is Nick here?
BELLHOP: Nope. He was a cutie! But here's the secret,
some guys beat him up and took him away. I'm not sure why.
BILL: Crap. Thanks
[BILL returns the costume]
OWNER OF SHOP: That'll be $254028235
BILL: Here you go [writes check]
OWNER OF SHOP: Oh yeah, want my daughter? I'm selling her
cheap, and she's good!
[really hot DAUGHTER emerges]
BILL: What does that have to do with anything? I guess it's
on the theme of corruption and all that. But uh, no thanks.
OWNER OF SHOP: Where's the mask?
BILL: shit!! I don't wanna have to go all the way back there..oh
well
[BILL goes back to the residence of the party]
BILL: Hi, I-
GUYS AT DOOR: Go away.
BILL: Damn.
[BILL arrives at home late at night]
[ALICE is laughing in her sleep]
BILL: Wake up!
ALICE: I just had the best..er..worst dream!
BILL: Okay.
ALICE: You want to hear it?
BILL: Uhh..sure
ALICE: Okay...well i was in this dream, and i was screwing a bunch
of people and you weren't there! *sob*
[stock footage of BILL, open-mouthed, frozen]
ALICE: I can't believe I'd do such a thing!
BILL: ...but didn't you say it was a dream?
ALICE: *sob*
[BILL goes to the HEAD OF THE PARTY's house]
BILL: Alright..what the hell is going on? what was with that
big orgy?
HOP: It was nothing.
BILL: Really? Then why did that girl die for me?
HOP: oh, that was just for show, she didn't really die.
BILL: Yeah she did, it said in the paper that she died of a drug
overdose.
HOP: oh..well I meant at the party.
BILL: I don't believe you.
HOP: Well, since this movie is so weird, I'm not going to give
you any definite answers. Goodbye!
[BILL comes home late again, to find the MASK lying next to ALICE]
BILL: Wah!!! I'll tell anything!!
ALICE: huh?
[hours later...]
BILL: ...and that's what happened in the last few days.
ALICE: *sniff* Well..uh..what should we do?
BILL: Let's take our kid shopping!
[later, at the shopping mall...]
KID: Mommy, can we get this?
ALICE: Let's wait for santa.
[KID runs off]
ALICE: ...well, there's one important thing we need to do as soon
as possible.
BILL: What's that?
ALICE: FUCK.
[the end]
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