BOWFINGER


[at some executive place]

BOWFINGER:  Hey!  i am a director!  One day a fed ex truck will come and give me a script!  I'm a director!
AGENT GUY: No you're not, you're just some guy with some saved-up money and a few friends.
BOWFINGER:  But isn't that what we all are, basically?  Anyway, I've got this great script you should check out.
AGENT GUY: Okay, if you can get the hottest action star to be in your movie.
BOWFINGER: Uhh..okay...i will do that...

[at KIT RAMSEY's house]
BOWFINGER: Hey man, wanna be in my crappy movie about aliens in the rain?
KIT: Hell no!  I'm busy doin shiz!  I'm gonna be extremely energetic and cool as to separate myself from the other character i play in this movie!  Oh yeah, I like to flash the cheerleaders at basketball games.
BOWFINGER: Damn.  Now what am I gonna do?

[at BOWFINGER's studio]
BOWFINGER: I've got it!  With the crew I have, i'll just have my actors go up to kit and it doesn't matter how he reacts, cuz it's an action movie!
CREW: Yay!
BOWFINGER: wait..you don't know this
CREW: Oops..sorry
BOWFINGER: It's a secret only i'll know and this other guy will know too.  We won't tell anyone!
HEATHER GRAHAM: Hi, can I have a part?
BOWFINGER: Um..no.
[HEATHER GRAHAM sleeps with the other guy]
THE OTHER GUY: Okay, she has a part!
BOWFINGER: Well..okay.

[later...]
BOWFINGER: Yay!  this is working out!  Now I need someone who looks like kit for the back shots.
JIFF: Hi..i'm a nerd!  And I am kit's brother, but i'm a lot more shy and i act a lot different than him.  Oh, shucks.
BOWFINGER: Well, there are a lot of better people, but for some reason i'll take you!
JIFF: Shucks!  Oh yeah, I also play a really small part even though from the commercials it looks like i have the lead role.
BOWFINGER: Shut up.  Go buy us coffee.

BOWFINGER: Great!  Now I only have the last scene to do with Kit, and he doesn't know we're filming him, and none of the crew knows i don't have his permission!
CREW: Yay!
BOWFINGER: you still don't know!
CREW: oops
BOWFINGER:  Now this scene is extremely big, and we only have one chance to do it.  Oh, and heather gets a larger role because she slept with everyone.  And I stole her credit card and bought stuff but apparently she doesn't know or care because she doesn't say anything about it in the whole movie.

[later...]
BOWFINGER: Damn!  The scene didn't work out, and we got caught, so it looks like this movie won't go through.  What a sad ending.  Yep..looks like this is the end.  dfsjgrw
[this page taped into script]
CREW: Hey look!  We have footage of KIT flashing the cheerleaders!  And he's gonna be in..uh..a family movie soon so he must agree for us to use the footage!
BOWFINGER: Yay!  This was a well-thought out way to solve my problems!

[at the big premiere for his movie]
CROWD: Yay!
BOWFINGER:  They love me!  yay!

[at the post-movie party...]
[FED EX MAN opens door without asking to come in, and hands BOWFINGER a package]
BOWFINGER: Finally!
CREW: What is it?
BOWFINGER: We're going to film a movie in japan!  Actually, i think we are just going to throw in as many cliche's about fighting movies as we can, since we couldn't fit them in earlier in the movie!
CREW: Yay!

[BOWFINGER's new movie, featuring extremely bad fighting shots, shots of the camera, and the boom mike, and delays, to make the perfect movie.]

[the end]
 

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